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AbstractColors
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Name: Angelina
Birthday: 9/19/1985
Gender: Female
Interests: nature,art,feminism,animal lovin',cartoons,touching textures,Ask me to moon gaze,I just might.
Expertise: being a hippie at heart,sexuality.
Occupation: at home growing a baby...thats
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
Member Since:
3/2/2006
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Milano is dying.I have faith that the Lord God Almighty can do another miracle with him as he did when he was 4 and needed a blood transfusion....but I also know that the Lord is telling me it's time.He has I think...a stroke a few days ago and then a seizure shortly after in the same day.He hasnt been the same since.He has a huge mass in his stomach that has pushed his intestines all the way down,possible from the medicine use for so many years.Couldnt take blood tests because his blood is low,cant operate,he'd die.He is slow...cant understand alot of basic things..his eye was swollen but its better now but its just off,hes not able to drink water himself,I have to feed it to him,hes barely.....eating.yesterday and he day before during the day he was better......he was even trying,and by trying I man going up to it wanting to play with his ball but not able to put it in his mouth....hed try..id throw it a little hed go up to it and not play..his tongue is purple and white(poor circulation)......I believe in my spirit that he is still around so I can mourn properly.This is soo hard for me because Ive never lost a person...Ive lost a dog in the past that got ran over...that was the worst loss other than a human relationship loss ive ever experienced.Milano is different.Hes been my child until Ap'oni and was always my best friend and comforted me....now that I have Christ Jesus in my heart,he gives me comfort and I couldnt face losing Milano without him..that is for sure.I have an acceptance and peace about him passing,whenever the Lord chooses to allow him to pass,that I would have never had if I wasnt saved...Id be devastated and unstable for sure.Im sad though.I really am.Taking care of him is my way of nurturing him as long as I can and talking with him intimately and letting him know how MUCH hes meant to me for 9 years,almost 10.Hes been there..really there.Ive cried on him so many times,hes been with me when I had manic depression and when my soul wasnt saved....I suffered and he suffered with me.and now its my time to give him back as much affection and attention and letting him know how much I truly appreciated him,The Lord really put him into my life so beautifully.
I realize that certain sacrifices have to be made unto the Lord and He knows how dear he is to my heart so with exchange for allowing Milano to die without any anger or resistance...I am asking him for deliverance once and for all from anxiety and migraines...they go hand in hand and I am tired...so tired of those cycles.Thank you Lord for the opportunity.he never takes and doesnt give something in return..either what we ask for..IF...its in His will and we do our part..or something else awesome.Bless you Lord for allowing me to have such an amazing little man as my friend for so long.
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last month
I'm done with this journal.Had to make a last entry of my beautiful Ap'oni.she's amazing with her beautiful self and joyful funny personality.shes so sweet and smart.shes almost 9 months soon.weighs 24lbs or so and above average in her height too.almost has 5 teeth.Still breastfeeding and shes almost crawling.Everything she does once she starts shes strong willed.LOVE IT.all Glory to God for her health which is always great shes never sick and shes tough!God has bestowed great blessings onto her life through generations of women in my family consecrated to Him.He blesses generations!
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| ive outgrown this blog.thank goodness.Ive been wanting to for song long and i feel its almost time to say goodbye.I need to get my other blog established and begin a new one for randomness.
i need three blogs but its hard to have one without MY OWN laptop for freedom of use.
I need one motherhood related(I have that and will share it on here once its established)
relationship/explicit related
and random i feel like poo today let me vent about it related.
laters. | | |
| i cant shake this same bout of depression i always go through.always.my cycles are so predictable....i always say i hate feeling intense anxiety but when depression hits...i dont dig that either.it doesnt stay long but i want to sleep i have a hard time eating its hard to smile i want to cry im negative about alot of things......i wish we could be together more.much much more.i dont want him depressed or upset either.wish we could go do something different.staying at my house for a bit is fine,its just that im always here,im sure he enjoys the relaxation,which is important for him to have,i realize that.no one reads this so i can boohoo all i want.i feel so fucking depressedddddd i hate this.i was on high the other night then wake uip boom.heavy.my chest is heavy as hell.thank goodness i went to go see him sunday and today for a little.but that little bit makes me want to be with him and in his arms forever now.but it just cant be that simple right now.why?
im trying SO so...hard not to cry right now as my eyes fill with tears.focus one Ap'oni,ido.i will,always.but my focus is with him too.ofcourse.i just hope that things come together and neither of us ever ever give up and make it to where we have the potential to be in life.its RIGHT there.
I wish i had the laptop more at nights so i can blog more when i NEED to.i dont like handwriting so much.
what is the difference between consistency that brings comfort and depression from the same routine?i dont understand.need a change of rhythm. | | |
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